Letting go of People Pleasing: How Permission and Reassurance Seeking Holds Us Back
Written by Cindy Bekkedam RD, RP (Qualifying)
Picture this: you're standing at a crossroads, faced with a decision. Do you ever find yourself hesitating, waiting for a nod of approval from others before taking the leap? Or perhaps you've noticed the familiar tug of seeking reassurance, craving validation from external sources to validate your choices or feelings. If these questions strike a chord within you, you're not alone.
Let’s delve into the labyrinth of permission-seeking and reassurance dependence, where the threads of societal expectations and personal insecurities intersect. You can reclaim your autonomy, your self-trust and intuition, and understand what belongs to you, and what belongs to others.
The Burden of Seeking Permission
Many of us are conditioned from a young age to seek permission before making decisions or taking action. Whether it's seeking approval from parents, teachers, or authority figures, this constant need for validation can become a significant barrier to personal growth. We may find ourselves paralyzed by indecision, afraid to trust our instincts without external reassurance. The result? Stagnation and missed opportunities.
Transitioning into adulthood doesn't necessarily mean shedding this need for permission. In fact, societal expectations often reinforce the idea that seeking approval is a sign of maturity and responsibility. However, this couldn't be further from the truth. True autonomy means being able to trust ourselves and make decisions based on our own values and desires, rather than constantly seeking external validation.
Breaking the Cycle of Reassurance Dependence
Reassurance dependence is another common pitfall on the road to self-discovery. It's the incessant need to seek validation and reassurance from others, even at the expense of our own autonomy and well-being. Whether it's constantly seeking approval from friends, family, or even strangers on social media, this addiction can leave us feeling perpetually inadequate and dependent on others for validation.
Breaking free from reassurance dependence requires a conscious effort to cultivate self-confidence and trust in our own judgment. It means learning to quiet the inner voice that constantly seeks external validation and instead listening to our intuition and inner wisdom. It's about recognizing that true confidence comes from within, rather than from the opinions of others.
Embracing Self-Validation
One of the most empowering steps we can take on our journey to self-discovery is learning to validate ourselves. Instead of constantly seeking approval from others, we can cultivate a deep sense of self-worth and confidence that comes from within. This means acknowledging our strengths, celebrating our accomplishments, and embracing our unique qualities without seeking external validation. It also means affirming to ourselves what actually makes us happy, rather than letting others/society tell us what ought to make us happy.
Transitioning from seeking external validation to embracing self-validation isn't always easy. It requires getting in touch with deeply ingrained beliefs and patterns of behaviour, but the rewards are well worth the effort. When we learn to validate ourselves, we become less reliant on others for approval and more resilient in the face of criticism or rejection. We no longer need permission to pursue our dreams because we trust ourselves enough to take the leap.
Overcoming Fear of Failure
One of the underlying reasons we seek permission and reassurance from others is a fear of failure. We worry that if we make a decision on our own and it doesn't turn out as planned, we'll be judged or criticized by others. This fear can hold us back from taking risks and pursuing our goals with confidence.
However, it's essential to remember that failure is a natural part of the learning process. Instead of viewing failure as a reflection of our worth or abilities, we can see it as an opportunity for growth and self-discovery. When we embrace failure as a teacher rather than a threat, we become less afraid to take risks and more resilient in the face of setbacks.
Cultivating Self-Trust
At the heart of overcoming permission and reassurance-seeking lies the cultivation of self-trust. This means learning to trust our instincts, intuition, and inner wisdom to guide us on our journey. It's about recognizing that we have the power and agency to make decisions that align with our values and desires, without constantly seeking approval from others.
Building self-trust takes time and practice, but it's a crucial step on the path to self-discovery and empowerment. We can start by tuning into our inner voice and paying attention to how it guides us in different situations. We can also practice making small decisions without seeking external validation, gradually building our confidence in our ability to trust ourselves.
Empowering Yourself: Seeking Blessings Instead of Approval
As we embark on our journey of self-discovery and empowerment, it's essential to redefine our relationship by seeking validation from those we love – our parents, our partners, and our friends. Rather than seeking their approval, we can strive to seek their blessing as we step into the next phase of our lives. In many cultures and traditions, receiving a parent's blessing represents a significant transition from childhood to adulthood, marking the beginning of our journey as independent individuals.
What You Actually Desire: Their Blessing
Seeking a parent, friend or partner’s blessing is not about asking for permission or approval; instead, it's about acknowledging the significance of their role in our lives and inviting their support as we navigate the challenges and opportunities that lie ahead. We can express our gratitude for their guidance and wisdom while affirming our readiness to take responsibility for our choices and actions. Both can coexist.
In our modern society, the ritual of seeking a parent's blessing may seem outdated or overlooked, but its psychological importance remains as crucial as ever. By engaging in this ritual, we not only honour our parents but also affirm our own autonomy and agency. It serves as a symbolic gesture of acknowledgment and respect, signalling to both ourselves and our loved ones that we are ready to embrace the challenges and joys of adulthood.
Making Your Intentions Clear
When seeking a parent, friend, or partner’s blessing, it's essential to communicate our intentions clearly and openly. We can express our gratitude for their love and support while articulating our commitment to forging our own path in life. By framing our request for a blessing in terms of seeking their guidance and wisdom rather than seeking their approval, we empower both ourselves and our parents to embrace this transition with grace and acceptance.
It's also crucial to recognize that seeking their blessing is not about seeking validation or permission to live our lives according to someone else's expectations. Instead, it's about affirming our own values, desires, and aspirations while inviting our parents to share in our journey as supportive allies rather than authority figures. This shift in perspective can help us break free from the cycle of seeking external validation and empower us to trust ourselves more fully as we navigate the complexities of adulthood.
If you have read this far, thank you! I encourage you to take the first step on your journey to self-empowerment today. Trust yourself, believe in your abilities, and remember that you have the power to create the life you desire. Embrace your autonomy and watch as your inner potential unfolds before your eyes.
Did this land for you, and are you interested in working with me? I offer virtual psychotherapy for adults who struggle with people pleasing, relationship insecurities and recovery from relationship trauma, virtually in Ottawa, and province-wide in Ontario, Canada.
